6 essential values to make a good marriage. I have been married for 19 years now, and most of these years, l have been unhappy, depressed, as I recently admitted to myself. I always made excuses on why certain things were not looking right or were not appropriate. In fact, I realised that I was doing all the work in the relationship, meaning compensating for all life’s lacks, the shortcomings of my partner. And at the end, I feel overwhelmed, overworked, exhausted, physically, emotionally, financially. I have made an inventory of myself, of my relationship. I have to understand that I lack the basis of what makes a good relationship, a good marriage because it lacks some essential values. My marriage hasn’t got a strong foundation. And as I realised, some of these values are non-negotiable in a relationship. You may do without them for some time, but at some point, in your journey, you will feel underappreciated, disrespected, overall unhappy. Through research and experience, I can confirm that you need to have or implement these values to make a marriage work.
Most of the relationships start with the partners falling in love and then wanting to make their journey together. Love is a big part of marriage. The problems begin when the partners have not got the same level of love, have not reached the same understanding of love. If one partner loves the other one much more, there could be a problem; it will not be the same commitment, involvement in the relationship. At some point, my partner did love me, but his love has changed along the way, reflecting and affecting the marriage, I must say negatively. A word of advice would be to measure the love in your relationship from time to time; analyse both you and your partner attitude in the relationship
Respect is fundamental in any serious relationship. Partners should respect each other, should give each other the same consideration. People easily confuse respect and familiarity. Respecting your partner doesn’t mean being too formal with your partner; it is knowing the boundaries. A marriage where one partner feels disrespected and belittled will feel unappreciated. There is a problem when this happens. This broke the harmony in the relationship. Respect is when you take your partner’s opinions into account when you do not decide for your partner and when you repress rebuffing your partner before other people.
I felt disrespected when my partner started telling me off before the children, taking the household’s decision then informing me. There are always signs lookout for them.
Loyalty is crucial in a marriage. When you spend many years with someone, the first sparks of love will usually dissipate, but you remain with this person because you have established a strong bond with them. A person is loyal to you when it always stands for you, stand by you. This person will support you even if you are wrong in public, then correct you privately. This person always wants to protect you and doesn’t want people to talk ill of you. And will usually do anything to make you happy, to give you peace of heart.
I unfortunately discovered in my case that my partner was the one talking ill about me to outsiders. This makes me feel terrible and make me more reserved.
Communication is critical, but it has to be the proper communication. The communication should be conducted in a respectful, civilised and constructive. Even a casual chat with your partner could be constructive because you are learning about their day, learning some news, finding a solution to a problem… No, all communications are constructive. Indeed, you can communicate with your partner; it could be that you are arguing, or they inform you of some decision….
I do communicate with my partner, but as I come to realise, we usually have unhealthy communication. It is either that he is nagging, complaining, criticising, or informing me of some decision involving my life… this is the kind of communication you should avoid.
Intimacy is essential in marriage, but all doesn’t turn around it. Problems will arise when the partners come to being sexually mismatched. That means one partner’s sexual drive is much higher than the other. If one partner cannot or does not want to sexually satisfy his partner, that will pose problems. It has to be a certain balance in your sexual life.
I do not think I have a problem with this one. So make sure that you are on the same level as your partner, compromise if needed.
A marriage where spouses do not support each other is bound to fail. Especially nowadays. Many partners feel unsupported by their partners. Supporting your partner involves:
- Being there for them when needed.
- Supporting their ambition, idea, goals.
- Make help available.
- Showing compassion.
More than often, we see couples where the support is single-handed. One partner wants the total support of their partner but gives nothing in return, meaning they do not offer support to their partner when needed; on the contrary, they will try to make them give up by making things very difficult for them. I easily recognise myself in this scenario.
In a nutshell, support should be reciprocal, not only a one-way thing.
6 essential values to make a good marriage, include:
Although I have realised that my marriage was lacking in many of these values, I did not make any quick decision to leave. I am thinking about it, but there are many parameters to consider, such as the children, finances, …
Can you think of any other essential values? Please share in the comment section.